The Golden Circle & Conflict

You may be familiar with Simon Sinek’s TED talk from 2010, a precursor to his book “Start With Why.” 

Sinek was a marketing guy, and he set out to understand why some companies - like Apple - succeeded and others - like TiVo - didn’t. In his examination, he realized that what made some companies stand out from others is something that was unexpected at the time - and still may be unexpected to some. It had to do with focusing on the why behind what companies do.

A sketch of Simon Sinek’s “golden circle.”

He created something called the “golden circle.” 

The idea is simple:

Most companies and people focus on what they do and possibly how they do it (the “how” is what differentiates them - what makes their work or product unique). A few who focus on the why make a deeper connection, attracting those who believe like they believe. The what becomes secondary. 

The original TED talk is less than 20 mins; watch it. 

Let’s apply the golden circle to conflict.

In this case, the “what” is the position. For example, “I need more money.” The “how” is what you attached to that position that you think will get you what you say you need - in this example, that’s a raise from your employer. The “why” is the underlying value. This can be hard to pinpoint, often because people don’t talk about it. Why don’t we talk about it? In my experience it’s either because: it's intensely personal and therefore hard to discuss; it’s just plain too painful; or, it’s seems to very obvious to the person that they simply cannot understand how anyone else could possibly not already be on the same page. In this example about needing more money and wanting a raise, the underlying why might be financial security.   

Here are more examples of the golden circle applied to conflict situations:

A discrimination accusation

Person A:

• “What” = That someone who said something offensive is no longer a colleague.

• “How” = That person gets fired.

• “Why” = A deep commitment to antiracism.

Person B:

• “What” = I’m offended that he refuses to work with me! I’m the one who should refuse to work with him!

• “How” = Get him off this team. Or change the team I’m assigned to. I don’t care which.

• “Why” = a belief that I am not a racist.

Cofounders in conflict

Person A:

• “What” = I need to stop arguing with my cofounder; it’s too stressful.

• “How” = They should spend more time listening to me. 

• “Why” = I have a deep need to be heard and to trust my cofounder. 

Person B:

• “What” = This person I used to be friends with has changed their behavior; I have no idea what to do about it.

• “How” = I need to see that they take my concerns into consideration.

• “Why” = I need to trust them, and I’m having trouble doing that because of the change I’ve witnessed.
  

Accusation of unethical behavior

Person A:

• “What” = End unethical behavior on my team.

• “How” = Really, I want this person fired.

• “Why” = Integrity is one of my highest personal values.

Person B:

• “What” = There was no unethical behavior. This person doesn’t know what they’re talking about.

• “How” = I will humor this person up to a point, but their demands are unreasonable.

• “Why” = I am mortified that I may have made an ethical mistake.

How can the golden circle help me in my conflict?

Sinek’s main point is that when you are clear about your why, and you talk openly about it, you attract those who believe what you believe. And that means that you can more easily convince them to take action. He references buying something or voting for someone; however, the action can be any action - including coming to a conflict-ending agreement!
The next time you’re in a conflict with someone, take some time to get really crystal clear about your why - what is the value that drives your belief and your position? What belief do you hold that makes this conflict so intense for you?

You may or may not be comfortable sharing that belief directly with the other person. Even if you don’t choose to share it, getting clear on it for yourself may open up your mind toward additional potential solutions. That will help you make new decisions, ask for different things, and be open to alternative solutions. Or, you can work with a neutral conflict professional and openly share with them, in confidentiality, your why and that may in turn help them ask different questions of the other person - creating a new pathway for the conflict to end with a mutually acceptable resolution.