Is Self-Reflection Required?
Recently a colleague told me she hesitated to refer a particular couple of people to mediation, because she did not believe they had the capacity for introspection. Apparently, these two people are so not self-aware that they “never” engage (from her perspective) in any self-reflection.
Is self-reflection necessary for mediation to “work?”
First, let’s talk about the scare quotes around “work.” The goal of most mediations is to get to a written agreement. Whether this happens is not necessarily indicative that the mediation has “worked.” Sometimes a mediation can go very well and there’s still no resolution, or written agreement.
Here are some signs mediation has gone well, even if there isn’t a written agreement:
The people in mediation have agreed to another session to continue hashing it out.
People are arguing less.
There is clearer communication; for example, someone only has to ask for something once instead of multiple times.
Decisions get made, instead of the need for a decision being ignored or having a decision be asked for again and again.
People do their own jobs, not each other’s.
People stop avoiding each other.
Not only can these changes happen without a written agreement - they can also happen without much introspection.
One of my first private mediation clients was two co-owners of a small, brick-and-mortar business, where they employed several people. They had founded the business as friends and now could not stand to be in the same room together - a problem, in part, because they actually shared an office! (Not to mention the small staff was very aware of problems and had fairly high stress levels as a result, evidenced by lots of gossip and accusations.)
For a transformative mediator, the approach here might have necessitated some self-reflection - but it would have been guided by the mediator toward the goal of healing the friendship. The name “transformative mediation” comes from the approach of transforming relationships. In this sense, transforming typically means healing.
Usually in conflict, someone has been hurt, whether intentionally or not - whether expressed or not. The idea of transforming the relationship includes healing from the hurt. (Apologies are typically not considered necessary in mediation, no matter the case. Sometimes they happen anyway. That’s another blog post.)
I’m not a transformative mediator. I use a facilitative approach, meaning that as a mediator my focus is on the issue(s) as defined by the parties and on how they communicate within the mediation session. I’m there to facilitate a conversation about the issues at the root of the conflict, whether the parties are even aware of what the issues may be. (Usually at least one party is aware of underlying issues and needs, and often both are aware.) So is self-reflection a necessary part of facilitative mediation?
What is self-reflection, anyway? If it includes exploring memories, recapping one’s past actions, remembering how what someone else did made us feel - none of that has to be all that onerous, and probably every human being engages in these actions at least occasionally.
Self-reflection does not require a mediator or third party. Yet, self-reflection on its own won’t get two people very far if they haven’t been getting along - a mediator is there to guide the conversation toward a productive conclusion, that may or may not include healing a relationship.
In any mediation, only a little self-reflection is necessary, because it helps the mediator to hear from each person about what’s been going on and how they have dealt with the issues thus far.
Perhaps more importantly, the mediator guides the parties in self-reflection. It’s part of our process, and part of what the initial one-on-one consultations include.
For this particular mediation client, I encouraged the former friends to think about what had gotten them to this point where they couldn’t stand to be in the same physical space, and on what impact that had on the business. These conversations happened both individually and as a group. This is a kind of guided introspection, but it did not - and was never required to - end with them becoming friends again.
This particular mediation did end in a written agreement, and the agreement probably would seem quite transactional if anyone outside of the parties ever read it. The written agreement did not include, reflect, or comment on the intense conversations (and tears) that were part of the mediation session, nor did it reflect the many sleepless nights these co-owners had suffered through because of the deterioration of their relationship.
As I recall, the agreement focused on how to communicate about specific business-related details - naming a new app they would use, and delineating what topics would be emailed about, tracked in the app, or saved for real-time conversations.
My mediation did not end with a healed friendship.
My mediation did end with two co-owners of a business having a much clearer idea of how they would interact in the future so that their business could survive. (And ultimately, this particular business expanded, employing more people.)
Don’t hesitate to consider mediation because you think the other person (or people) aren’t all that introspective. Consider mediation anytime you can’t figure a way out of the issues troubling any working relationship.
If this post makes you think of people who could use some help from a mediator, schedule a call today - solving problems should never wait.
